ms_pickles

half asleep update

2005-09-28T05:56:07Z

I stopped coughing and wheezing when I finally forced myself to go to they gym yesterday. I was scared, but I worked out. I felt a little pull in my throat, but I chalked it up to being out of shape and not anything bad or scary. This morning I heard a little wheeze, but I could breathe and it was just a high pitched sound that went away.

I can't explain how much better I feel when I am in control. I would rather be obsessive than scared all of the time. The thought of having the panic attacks come back all the time and coughing. I got really angry when I had a small coughing attack on Sunday. I had been sedated slightly because I knew I was going to have to be around a lot of people. As the drug wore off, I started coughing a bit in a heath food store. I was a bit off gaurd when people were nice to me about it instead of passive-aggresive and/or mean. In the past I had been asked to leave stores and restaurants. Sunday a nice hipster boy at Whole Foods gave me a huge carton of water "for your cough, filtered water" he said. The nurotic peeked out a little and told me that it was only because my husband was with me that people were being nice, but I ignored that terrible internal monolouge and tried to do soothing breathing.

I saw the doc that scared me a bit two weeks and was firm with her. I told her that I felt my weight and anxiety was most likely a huge factor in my illness and that I did not want to be on steriods anymore. She said that she was okay with that. I just want to wake up and feel more healthy than I have in the past three years. I want to be able to move without my fat weighing me down. My fear of food and eating has been replaced by a desire to eat anything because I am eating more on a schedule and counting calories, fat and such with such ritual. I mean my stomach groans right now and I crave healthy foods, not the ice creams and fast food I was punishing myself with. I want this to stay and I don't want to fall off. I know if I can make it to my first big goal than most of my problems that are holding me back will be so much less.

ms_pickles @ 2005-09-19T23:51:00

2005-09-20T04:55:21Z

I duested off my scale and weighed myself. 243. I have been this weight for a little bit, so I am not as mortified as one might think to be this weight. My weight goal is 230. 13 pounds is not such a terrible first goal.

I hope I am not too much of a sad girl to go to the gym tomorrow. Tomorrow and how I might feel then scares me.

Forgive me

2005-09-19T06:33:54Z

I can become very depressed very easily these days. I don't want to hurt myself and want to have it in me to get well and claim the term survivor to my list of credits. The last thing I would want is to feel like I am a victim. That's so 80's isn't it? And as much as I reference the Lifetime network I would not be happy with a TV movie based on my life that has anything to do with dying alone and being eaten by cats. That ebing said I expect to have a number of good days and bad days just like everyone else. For me a good day is like today when my meds suppressed my cough and I felt hope. On a bad day you can not convince me that there was ever any good in the world or ever will be again. I think I should try to plan my therapy this week so that I most likely make it, even if my shrink can't say anything that will help it might make me feel like a lady with a scheldue.

In happier I am going to move on with my life news I decided that I need to start working out and moving again in order to reduce my size. I never had these problems until my weight hit the over 200 mark and my breathing ebcame more and more of a problem as a gained weight. It is my personal opinion that if I were to lose the poundage that my health would get better. Not to say that all fat people have breathing problems it's just my body does.I never needed an inhaler until a few years ago. Losing weight personally scares me. I am one of those people you hear about who use fat as a way to distance themselves from others and it has worked very well. But I fear living this way anymore and need to start off with small goals. I belive this week it will be to start counting calories, to workout at least twice this week and to only limit myself to one hot coco a day. going to the gym or working out scares me because I don't think I can handle another attack in public. They are small and they scare me, but in the past it has worked.

ms_pickles @ 2005-09-18T15:09:00

2005-09-18T20:29:54Z

I feel stupid updating because nothing substantial has happened.

I do feel stupid for many other reasons. I don't like myself and I don't know how to start. I am much more calm about this than I was a few years ago when getting approval was the ultimate goal. Now it's like eh, I would like it but I can't rely on anyone or anything so I think I can live if I don't get it this time.

I hate the fact that it's cold outside. I feel like autumn is part of the end of the year and again I have not accomplished anything. I hate the crisp stillness and the only good thing about autumn is the abundance of pumpkin themed baked goods. I want to feel warm and safe in my winter jammies that should have gotten very large on me at this point but have not and sip tea by the cool seaside as people I love and who love me stop by to say hello. this has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember and it makes me so sad that it might not come true.

I had a dream last night were a nurse advised me that I might want to consider killing myself since I was not getting any better. What scared me was that this was a comfort to me. I wanted to call my one friend who has stayed by me through most of this, but I was too afraid of pushing her away. I called a hotline and the woman yelled at me asking me not to "bark" in her ear. I cried myself to sleep alone. My husband was right next to me snoring the entire time. Is it any wonder that I feel that my life is a depressing Lifetime movie. Not the kind you watch for the sake of a guilty pleasure.

I don't think I can make it to my head doctor's tomorrow. if I get upset I will get sick.

ms_pickles @ 2005-09-16T18:35:00

2005-09-16T23:39:15Z

I am tipsy right now from my "meds" if you can really call them that. I think of them more as tools that the docs give me so I will be too sedated to bother them. I'm such a fucking nurotic freak!

But I do feel better right now. I feel like I can breathe and I am ready to kick this thing in the ass! Oh I hope this isn't the drugs talking. Please let this be the sound of me healing!

Drugs for Sale!

2005-09-16T02:35:20Z

I didn't cough much today. I feel like I should get a metal. I woke up around 1pm wheezy and allergy ridden as hell. I coughed up nice collectable mucus, so I am wary of taking any of the very sellable liquid V. I'm very upset at the doc who prescribed this to be because on all the warnings about this drug it says "do no take if you have blah, blah, blah,asthma, and blah" The doc who prescribed the syrup was the one who "diagnosed" me as asthmatic after an hour with her. Also the syrup has pseudoephedrine in it which might work wonders for some and might make the best crystal meth, but it triggers me for panic and a disassociated feeling.

Ahhhh now that I am getting a little figity, I am coughing a bit more and I don't want to go there.

I have a very sad wish right now. I wish that my only problem was that I ate in response to stress. With my health going haywire again I feel afraid to eat sometimes because my thraot is always swollen. It would be a dream to be to be able to eat a roat beef sandwhich as a way of dealing with stress. My primary doc was happy with me when I saw her two weeks ago because I had lost weight. I didn't know if that was because I was working out or because I had become afraid to eat again. Now I can't work out and I am not doing so well with the food. I would love to be able to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's because I am depressed. I think now that my coping mechinism has been taken away from me it's really hard. I know it was hard when I had ED's and binged but greener grass and all that jazz right?

*sigh* :/

Sadness Takes Control

2005-09-15T06:52:21Z

I can't sleep because I am having a panic attack. I feel so sick and terrible right now that it's serioyusly freaking me out right now. I don't want to be sick anymore and I don't want to feel like I am going to die. I just want my life back and to feel in control again.

I have gotten better with my anxiety. I don't feel trapped in it as much as I used to, but it is still there. I want to feel powerful, young and sexy, but right now it's fear that is keeping me in place. I am not sure what is real and what is my anxiety talking. I don't want to be an anxiety ridden basketcase. I want to believe that my health is in my control and taht I can make myself better just by thinking happy and comforting thoughts. The most troubling thing is when I am left out in the cold when trying to relate to others. I wish I could, but right now my life is filled with so much that people can't grasp that make them uncomfortable. It's so easy to ignore me and get on with your own issues. I don't blame anyone for doing this, but I just feel so gosh darn lonely right now.

ms_pickles @ 2005-09-15T00:29:00

2005-09-15T05:34:38Z

Note to self

Chocolate aggravates cough.

FUCK!

I assume this may be a good thing since I have a desire to lose weight, but FUCK I feel bad now that almost all of my comfort foods have been eliminated. It's not the worst thing in the world and I'm not crying because I won't be in PMS for another two weeks. It just sucks. *finds center* Okay I'm better now.

ms_pickles @ 2005-09-14T23:39:00

2005-09-15T05:07:18Z

Ug! I was doing so well today with not emotional eating. I sent out the hubby tonight to grab my scripts and he came back with a bag of Dove dark chocolates. Such a sweet man! Since I was flying high on liquid Vicodan I enjoyed half the bag before a foil wrapper fell on my lap and I had to remember that I really didn't want to look at my fat thighs (my fat but wonderful thighs I should add) I felt bad as I forgot that I was trying to eat healthy again. It totally slipped my mind! How lame is that? I would blame the drugs, but that is too easy to do.

I asked my doc how long I would need to be on narcotic cough suppressants and she said as long as it helps. I worry that I will be on my way to 12 stepping before I get better. I only allow myself to take it when I am so sick that it makes it hard to breathe and only when my husband or a friend is around because as fun as having a huge amber bottle of "Liquid V" ( I assume that's what the kids are calling it these days) it makes me shaky and sick to my stomach, so it's not the best high. If I had it my way I would be smoking pot, but I can't smoke anything right now. I would bake it, but that would defeat the whole point of trying to eat healthy. Please, who has ever baked pot brownies and didn't go out for thai food afterwards? The whole point of of pot is one big gastronomical orgy afterwards.

In other stuff this evening when I got dizzy from my prescription drug experience, I went to the window to get some air and my neighbors were blasting Belle and Sebastian. I really didn't like them because they have loud kids over a lot and the wife likes to pick fights (yes I snoop! In can touch their building from mine so I really have little choice) Anyways I was buzzed out and I adore Belle and Sebastian! It was a song I had not heard before so I assume it's from a new album or a rare B side that you can only get in the UK. I wanted to just float over there and ask what song it was. It just comforted me that they blasted cool music for once.

I Hate Doctors

2005-09-14T18:37:54Z

I am having a so-so day. I ma not freaking out or hating myself which is good. But I am feeling dispair. I got sick again which makes me feel lazy and useless. I need to start job hunting, but I feel like no one will want to hire someone with such a bad cough. I want to get better so I can start working out again. I get scared that I might have panic when I work out, but I think being so heavy is the crux of why I get sick and panic so easily. I really believe that if I get my weight down that my health will improve.

I have such a desire to fight the sickness this time. Yesterday I felt so bad after seeing the doctor who gave me a list of things that were wrong with me that my other docs disagree with. I think that she has stock in the companies that make the meds that she prescribed me. The very expensive meds that she didn't have samples of. The very expensive meds that cause weight gain! I didn't have these problems when I was fit and incidentally it was a a medication that helped me put on the weight. Well, that and a pint of Ben and Jerry's everyday. To push my theory further I was fine about a month ago until I stopped working out and started eating too much again. It scares me that the doc wants me to go on such strong medications on so very little information about my condition. I was on this medication before for a study and it didn't help me. I think that part of it is that I don't trust myself.

I will continue to use the meds until I see my doc again in a week and a half. Part of me is afraid to stand up to her. When I called her to let her know the meds were not working she sounded very frustrated with me. I think it's up to me to get better right now. Not the doctors.

Open Letter To A Crazy Bitch

2005-09-14T16:40:24Z

Dear Crazy Bitch,

As most angry letters that are posted in blogs it should start with wrong doings. In my most diplomatic opinion you really have none other than a subjective lack of character. I think if I were to write about why I am so angry in a script for a Lifetime movie I would get some fans. Worse yet if I had done to you what you had done to me those who choose to stay in your life would never hear the end of it. When I was your friend I had to hear about your "evil" ex-best friend many, many times and I am still not sure what made her so evil. Was it because she may had not listened to your non stop bitching about how much you hated your job or how you were so much smarter than all the people you worked with? Did she tell you that she couldn't listen to it anymore?

When I saw you on the street last winter, (when you were feeling sorry for me just to prove status IMO and you seemed a little bit angry that I was even around) I tried to be there for you again. You started talking about your boss and how much she hated you. I could have been the mail carrier only they would have rolled their eyes within the first minute or two. I tried, really I did. I tried to listen, but you would not let me. You yelled at me like I had something to do with your problems If you want my opinion (which you don't because in your demented opinion I am out to get you just like everyone else) I think you push people away so you can have something to talk about in therapy. I am really sorry your family ignored you that I am really very sorry for, but when you bring it back and assume that everyone hates you until they really do, well chica I'm sorry, but I feel sorry for you.

I would say that I am sorry that I got sick and had to pull my attention towards me, but I am not. I had no control over getting sick. You are almost 35 you should know that by now. You should have known that when I was too sick to go out that it wasn't a personal attack on you.

So please stop talking about me behind my back. Stop calling me "psycho" and telling people that I hurt you intensionally and the oh so classic line "She's got issues". Fuck you. I have never said the same about you (out loud) and I so really wanted to. I guess I am hurt because I really wanted to believe that you were a friend. I hope you can find someone else to feel sorry for you.

Ms Pickles

ms_pickles @ 2005-08-15T01:47:00

2005-08-15T07:02:47Z

I hate Celeberity Fit Club. I find it borish, offensive and unrealistic about weight loss. I hate the marine that yells at the poor contestants trying to get their bodies and careers back together b/c they only managed to lose 4 of the 5 pounds that was set for them. So why do I watch it? I suppose it's b/c I am so used to punishment that it seems only natural to feel someone should get yelled at for not meeting up to other's expectations. I secretly relsih in the hatred that is that Marine's face when they fall short. Sometimes I'll peek in the very end of the show and hope that someone will gain weight just to see that look of disust in Marine Boy's eyes. I think that it's funny that the prefered method of moditvation is abuse and shame. As if this will make someone want to follow whatever program they are on. I would think that my reation would be "why bother?" It is never going to be good enough for Marine Boy who obviosly has an issue with fat people. My bet would be that Victoria Jackson could lose all of her excess weight in one week and it still would not be good enough for MB b/c she would not be able to pull her own body weight up by her pinkies while singing the U.S. Marine Corps Hymn is perfect pitch.

It makes me wonder about that personality type in which I am familer with. I am part that type. When I am having a bad day and hate myself, I hate anyone who remotely looks, acts or remsembles me in any way. I can become overly critical of some thing meaningless like someone's hair or buldge. I can look just like the marine on a bad day, thinking up new ways to judge and shame. I can pick apart someone I have never met. I hate everything about them until I get home and have no one to hate except myself.

It's sad really.